Things to Ponder...

Never be afraid to try something new.  
Remember, amateurs built the ark while professionals built the Titanic.
              
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
              
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
              
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
              
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
              
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
              
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.
              
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. 
A pessimist fears that this is true.
              
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.
              
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
              
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
              
Anything free is worth about what you pay for it.
              
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
              
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
              
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
              
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
              
I am a nutritional overachiever
              
I am having an out of money experience.
              
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
              
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
              
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
              
Practice safe eating--always use condiments.
              
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
              
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
              
I am not a perfectionist. But my parents were.
              
One of life's mysteries is how I can gain five pounds on a 
two pound box of candy.
              
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
              
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
              
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes by itself.
              
Life not only begins at forty.  What I'm trying to figure out 
is "...it begins to what?"
              
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.

Ah, yes, "divorce;" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
 genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as 
the only time of the month I can be myself. 
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you 
a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought 
of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable 
undressing in front of men than in front of other women.  They 
say women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just 
grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house.  I don't know how I lost it.  
I don't know when I lost it.  I don't think I ever had it.  
But I've seen the boss's job, and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks, I have seen the ads for the Wonder 
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying 
enough attention to women's breasts?
-Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front 
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think 
we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 
"You see the enemy over there?  They say you look fat in those 
uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis.  Doctors are reporting many men 
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they 
cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men 
don't think there's a lot they don't know.  Women do. Women 
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show 
me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman 
I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not 
a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, 
and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Save the beer!